Great Moments In The History Of Film: The Cop-Out

Every Wednesday from 9:30 to 12:15, I have a class called The History of Film. What this class entails is exactly what's implied in the title. We've been spending much of the time discussing the inception of the big studios, the celebrities at the time, (Charlie Chaplin, Erich Von Stroheim, etc.) and of course, watching lots and lots of films.

Last week the class detailed foreign cinema, and to start the unit properly we watched The Last Laugh, a German expressionist film from 1924 which starred Emil Jannings.

Spoilers Ahead. Be Forewarned.

The story follows a doorman, who has a relatively prestigious job (Since he lives in a poor neighborhood) at a high-class hotel. As the film continues, he is demoted from his job to a washroom attendant, because his age has begun to reflect poorly on the hotel's image. The man is distraught that he cannot be a doorman anymore, and steals the uniform in the dead of the night, still wearing it in public, because he is ashamed that he is a washroom attendant now, and doesn't want his peers to find out about his demotion.

Eventually word gets out that he isn't a doorman, and his peers believe that he had been lying to them the whole time about being a doorman, and shun and laugh at him. The man later returns to the hotel, returns the uniform in shame, and falls asleep on the floor of the washroom.

Here's where the film takes a rather ridiculous turn.

A title card appears on the screen, which reads:

"Here the story should really end, for, in real life, the forlorn old man would have little to look forward to but death. The author took pity on him and has provided a quite improbable epilogue."

Cut to later, and we find that the doorman has (Out of dumb luck) inherited a massive fortune, and for the rest of the film we're treated to about 10 minutes of a fat rich man laughing and eating pudding in the hotel.

When I saw this in class, I was- for lack of a better term -dumb-founded. I'd genuinely begun to sympathize with the old man around the time that he sadly returned the uniform and fell asleep in the washroom, and began to even feel sad for him, when from out of nowhere the title-card comes in, and I could only sit there, confused while a stereotypical rich guy laughed and shoveled pudding into his mouth. (Seriously. He had a monocle, a bowler hat, even Van Buren sideburns. Stereotypical rich guy.)

I asked my instructor about it after class, and he said the cop-out had been deliberate, and was meant to parody the idea of the American dream. Well in that case they did it very well, because the movie's tone had gone from despondent to ridiculous so quickly that it HAD to be deliberate.

One thing I took away from the film was I found it pretty funny that even during the 1920s, Europe was making fun of us.

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Listening to:

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1. "Glorious (Hybrid Mix)" by Andreas Johnson
2. "Baba O'Riley" by The Who
3. "You Know I'm No Good" by Amy Winehouse
4. "No Cars Go" by The Arcade Fire
5. "Let's Push Things Forward" by The Streets

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TBT's 20 Lyrics That Are Just Plain Wrong

Anyone who is a fan of music in general would know that a good tune isn't just what makes a good song. (Unless of course it's an instrumental one.)

Some songs just plain fail in that aspect, sometimes. This post seeks to bring to light a few of these lyrical abominations. Whether some extremely horrifying imagery was used, an attempt at seeming artistic failed miserably, the lyrics left you confused and scratching your head, or they were just simply poorly written or rhymed.

Ready? Let's begin.

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20. The "What Exactly Are You Trying To Say?" Award:

I Am The Walrus by The Beatles

This may be a great Beatles tune, but I'm sure we're all more than aware of the lyrical incoherence perpetrated by this particular number. I'm not talking about the obvious, though. I'm not gonna mention how the eggman just so happens to also be the walrus, I'm not gonna talk about the yellow matter custard, the crabalocker fishwife, or even goo goo g'joob.

Often when people look at this song they overlook the very first line in the song:

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together

...Uh...okay. So if you're he...and HE'S he...and I'm you...

Wait. Who is the 2nd he anyway, and why wasn't he mentioned again? Who is as he? How-...

I should probably stop thinking about this before my head explodes.

19. The "Overtness Award That You Just Won. You. The Guy Who Just Won It. This Award Is For You." Award:

Nights In White Satin by The Moody Blues

As big a fan of The Moody Blues I am, this line just doesn't fit in their most popular tune for the sheer bluntness of it all. The Moodies have oft been known for their lyrical prose, and great artistic merit, but I guess that when it came time to write the chorus for this song, they used all that up thinking of lyrics for the REST of Days Of Future Passed, and can only come up with:

'Cause I loved you
YES I LOVED YOU!
(Aaaaaaahhh.....)
OHHHH HOW I LOOOOOVED YOOOOOOUUUU!!!!
(AAAAAAAA-aaaaaaahhhh.....)

Wherein the lead singer wails at the top of his lungs either in the throes of passion, or intense gastric pain.

18. The "Completely Inappropriate Metaphor" Award (Part 1):

Milkshake by Kelis

It seems that using food as a metaphor to describe one's sexual organs is something of a recurring theme in Hip Hop music. This song has the distinction of having one of the worst of said sexual metaphors. (Though not THE worst, which will be touched upon later. No pun intended.)

If you haven't been living under a rock in 2003-04 it was hard to escape this song and its refrain of:

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
And they're like: It's better than your's
Damn right, it's better than your's
I can teach you, but I'd have to charge

Leaving the inexcusable crime of rhyming "Your's" with "Charge" aside for a moment, let's have a look at the metaphor. She's describing her sexual organs....as akin to a milkshake.

Now think about it for a brief moment. A milkshake is a drink that is known to be THICK and COLD.

Someone had to say it. I'm just sorry it had to be ME.

17. The "You Never Paid Attention In English Class, Did You?" Award:

Ironic by Alanis Morrissette

This bears no description. I think we all know what I'm talking about.

The no-smoking sign on the cigarette break.
The black fly in the Chardonnay.
The ray-hee-hain on the Wedding Day.

Nothing in the song is ironic at all, although Alanis would later claim that that is what makes the song so ironic. That nothing in the song is ironic at all. (Which also isn't ironic, just wrong. Unlike the rest of the "ironies" in the tune, which are just unlucky.)

It would be easier to believe that she deliberately skirted the laws of grammar if she hadn't later said that she was the "Queen of Malapropisms."

Another statement used incorrectly.

16. The "Anthromorphic Furniture" Award:

I Am by Neil Diamond

In the midst of yet another heartstring-tugging (If you're pushing 60.) ballad about being far away from home and being down on your luck in LA, in what's either a desperate attempt at sympathy, or a total lack of rhyming words, Neil Diamond let's this one go during the chorus of the tune:

I Am, I Said
To Noone There

Which just sort of sets the scene, that being the crushing loneliness of being Neil Diamond, but it's the next verse that would make any sensible person go "Wait, WHAT?"

And Noone Heard At All
Not Even The Chair

Obviously I'm just dancing around the REAL issue here, but let me first point out that "To Noone There" implies that you're alone. There's nobody else there. Of course nobody is going to hear you.

Now for the elephant in the room which is the deaf chair.

It's obvious from the lyrics that try as he may, Neil Diamond could not make the chair hear him. I submit that it could be for one of these reasons:

1. The chair was pre-occupied with its own dilemmas, and couldn't be bothered to help out Neil Diamond when he desperately needed it.
2. The chair had a personal vendetta with Neil Diamond and was deliberately shoving its hypothetical fingers into its ears, deliberately ignoring him.
3. It's a freaking chair with no auditory system to speak of, you fool. Your (Or whoever wrote the song's) attempt at poetry is truly a sad one.

15. The "Inexplicable Gear Shift" Award:

Still Fighting It by Ben Folds

The wikipedia article on this song describes it as a "bittersweet ode to the pain of adolesence."

Because as we all know, teenage angst goes hand in hand with anthromorphic, brown-shirted, bird waiters.

Good morning, son. I am a bird

*Gearshift*

Wearing a brown polyester shirt.

*Gearshift*

You want a coke? Maybe some fries?
The roast beef combo's only $9.95.
It's okay, you don't have to pay,
I've got all the change...

I prefer MY teenage angst with the jalapeno poppers.

14. The "Obscure Facial Ornaments" Award:

We Want A Rock by They Might Be Giants

Anyone who is a fan of TMBG like I am is secure enough in their fanliness (I hope that catches on.) to admit that some of the two Johns' songs are pretty ridiculous even by their standards.

This song, like many others, is very likely a stream-of-conciousness song, so it would make sense for it not to make sense with lyrics like these:

If I were a carpenter
I'd Hammer on my piglet, I'd

Ridiculous, but probably intentional. But the next verse contains a notion that keeps me awake at night in a cold sweat.

Collect the seven dollars and I'd
Buy a big prosthetic forehead
And wear it on my real head

....

Prosthetic Foreheads?

Is there really a market for those? Who would be in such a horrific shape that they'd NEED one, and what could have possibly happened that would merit the need for one?

They Might Be Giants generally include a lot of metaphors in their work, but for the life of me I can't possibly begin to imagine what kind of screwed up meaning could be behind a prosthetic forehead.

Speaking of metaphors...

13. The "Completely Inappropriate Metaphor" Award (Part 2): The Bad Touch by Bloodhound Gang

When white frat boys rap, the whole world screams in abject horror. Especially when it's filled with cringe-inducing, migraine-causing images like this one:

So turn me on, I'm Mr. Coffee
With that automatic drip

.....New Rule:

When you use food as a metaphor for sexuality...don't ever use the word or imply in any way shape or form dripping.

Eeewww...

12. The "I Desperately Need A Rhyming Dictionary" Award:

All American Girl by Train

My dad used to tell me I was lazy
I got dance moves like Patrick Swayze
I'm the left over turkey
For the world's mayonnaisey

It's bad enough that you've just rhymed "Swayze" with "Turkey."

But "Mayonnaisey"?

You couldn't get Dr. Seuss to come up with something that silly.

11. The "Keep Me Away From Your Cutlery" Award:

How Could This Happen To Me by Simple Plan

Everybody sing along!:

How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on as
I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

At first glance it's nigh-impossible to tell if this is an actual song or not, since it seems to be entirely a caricature of Emo subculture, right on down to the typically shrill adolescent whine that so many of those groups use.

I'm sure they meant well (Maybe.) but it's just so hard to take it seriously with lyrics this maudlin.

10. The "I'm Crazy And Liable To Do Anything!" Award:

Don't Fuck Wit Me by Lil Jon & The Eastside Boyz

Now it's not like Lil Jon has EVER been considered an artist(?) of real merit and importance in the grand scheme of music as a whole, but in case you needed any FURTHER confirmation of his inabilities as an artist:

Why you fuckin wit me?
Stop fuckin wit me!
Don't be fuckin wit me!
Stop fuckin wit me!

If I had to venture a guess, the person in question is still fuckin' wit him to this very day.

9. The "Social Drinker" Award:

Get Drunk And Be Somebody by Toby Keith

Country music has long had a history of having lyrics that are either really stupid ("You can tell my lips, or you can tell my hips.") really corny ("What a wonderful world this would be, If French fries were fat free, And you still love me.") or just have extremely weird titles. (Dropkick Me Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life.)

This one on the other hand...

Well all week long I'm a real nobody,
But I just punched out and its paycheck Friday,
Weekends here, good God almighty,
I'm going to get drunk and be somebody

Doesn't this kind of remind you of those people who say that they do something better when their drunk? This in a nutshell is essentially saying the singer EXISTS better when they're drunk.

I guess that explains "Courtesy Of The Red, White, And Blue", though.

8. The "Completely Inappropriate Metaphor" Award (Part 3):

Tootsie Roll by 69 Boyz

Yet another tune that equates female genitalia to food products, and probably the most inappropriate of the lot.

Cotton candy, sweet and low,
Let me see that tootsie roll
Come on, tootsie roll,
Just make that tootsie roll
Here we go, tootsie roll,
Just make that tootsie roll,

You're comparing a woman's most sensitive erogenous zones to a candy that is hard, stiff, gooey, thick, and tastes like a yeti's armpit?

I can sense everybody who liked that song's erections fade into nothingness.

7. The "Are You Sure You're Not Having A Seizure?" Award

Gibberish by Relient K

It's my opinion that Christianity (Christian Rock, more likely.) has a negative effect on one's brain cells. Observe my evidence below:

Arg wu sentafinticate nar dunderford
Bida menti kosticated interserd
Thorphilliate stinded yilla billa zay
Wentora yate paravillintiniay

...Huh........go on?

Mork swax ippen reeby yufftabar
Higged quillip ernigrade du wellinshar
Lirp crawn xyfa gourk jawinstarbay
Venaldo urp paravillintiniay

As if all that garglemesh wasn't enough, the singer later accuses ME of talking gibberish, demanding that I stop talking gibberish, or just stop talking.

Hey, man. You started it.

6. The "Poseur? ME?" Award:

Informer by Snow

THIS is Snow:

He's White.

He's from Canada.

THIS is Informer, a song that vaguely resembles reggae:

You know say daddy me snow me-a (gonna) blame
A licky boom-boom down
'Tective man he say, say
Daddy Me Snow me stab someone down the lane
A licky boom-boom down

Questions?

PS: "Licky-boom boom"?

5. The "La La Na Na Na Hey Hey Doo Doo Doo" Award:

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do by Neil Sedaka

The "La La Na Na Na Hey Hey Doo Doo Doo" award recognizes excellence in when a group or singer is so lyrically bankrupt, instead of putting lyrics in a song, they fill it with collections of letters that only RESEMBLE lyrics. When people fill their chorus or verses with La's, Na's, Hey's, Doo's, etc. (The award is so named for Limozeen's inexplicably named song: Feed The Childrens.)

After all my searching, I have come across what appears to be the crown jewel of them all:

Doo doo doo down dooby doo down down
Comma comma down dooby doo down down
Comma comma down dooby doo down down
Breaking up is hard to do

Apparently getting to the point is hard to do too, Neil.

4. The "Not Really Inappropriate, But Still Quite Stupid Metaphor" Award:

Icebox by Omarion

Omarion, who either doesn't know what an icebox is, or was at a complete lack of REAL metaphors to make some lyrics that AREN'T completely idiotic, gives us this:

I got this icebox where my heart used to be (but I got this)
I got this icebox where my heart used to be (said I got this)
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold

...You have an icebox for a heart.

That's a fridge.

You're saying you have a FRIDGE for a heart.

Fridges aren't even that cold when they're plugged in, and when they aren't they're lukewarm at most.

.....A FRIDGE.....for a HEART....

My only explanation for this is that Omarion thought that icebox actually meant "Box of Ice." Like a cube. An ICE Cube, maybe.

Maybe.

3. The "At Least He's Honest" Award:

Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad by Meat Loaf

Meat Loaf, who is as much a hopeless romantic as he is concise (His tunes regularly clocked in at over ten minutes in length.) wistfully croons this ballad of love, romance, and general sentimentality:

I want you. I need you.
But there is no way that I am ever going to love you.

Better that he tell you up front than your having to learn the hard way, I guess.

2. The "Repetition Is An Acceptable Replacement For A Lack Of Lyrics" Award:

Fly Away by Lenny Kravitz

I Want To Get Away
I Wanna Fly Away
Yeeeaaaaaah yeeaaaaaah
YEAAAAAAAH!

Repeat into oblivion.

1. The "Completely Inappropriate Metaphor" Award (Finale):

I'm sure many of you saw this coming:

MacArthur Park by Richard Harris

Sing along with me!

MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain

In this instance, cake is a metaphor for love...because I think we've all seen the connection.

Love is a harsh and fickle mistress.
Love is a delicate flower slowly wafting about in the light spring breeze.
Love is cake.

I don't think that I can take it
'Cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again

Still with the cake metaphor, huh? Because obviously if there's one thing that represents love it's not just cake...It's cake that's been rained upon. And while we are presented with these elegant(?) metaphors we are soon treated to just how much the lead singer can sound like an echo through a rusty pipe with a resounding cry of:

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Is he shouting that because he's mourning for his long lost love, or because he's a Shakespearean actor being forced to sing such an insipid number?

My Overview of 2007 (More Bests And Worsts)

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Worst Male(s) of the Year:

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Admittedly this year (Like most years) was kind of tough to pick, since so much stupid stuff happens anyway. From Michael Bay raping the collective childhoods of countless children of the 80s and early 90s, to Rush Limbaugh railing against "phony soldiers". From Don Imus's "Nappy-Headed Hos" remark, (See if he ever quotes Spike Lee movies again.) to O.J. Simpson once again forcing himself back into the public eye the only way he knows how.

All fine choices, but the pick of the year had to go to Olympic Stall-Diver, Ex-Senator Larry Craig.

Has the Republican Party collectively been chewing on electrical wires lately? It's the only explanation for the mind-bogglingly stupid (In a political sense) behavior that has come from their ranks as of late. Mark Foley and his creepy AIM sessions, John McCain sucking up to Jerry Falwell, Fred Thompson running for president at all, and now this.

For anyone that has their head buried in the sand for the past few months, lemme give you a complete timeline of the events in question:

June 11th: Larry Craig is arrested for eliciting homosexual sex in an airport bathroom stall from a police officer.
June 22nd: Larry Craig returns to the airport to complain about how the police officers treated him, after arresting him for eliciting homosexual sex in an airport bathroom.
August 1st: Larry Craig pleads guilty of misdemeanor and disorderly conduct upon being found eliciting homosexual sex in an airport bathroom.
August 27th: Washington tabloid paper Roll Call breaks the story that Larry Craig was caught eliciting homosexual sex in an airport bathroom.
August 28th: The Idaho Statesman brings to light 3 other instances where Larry Craig had elicited homosexual sex in his lifetime and career. (Albeit not in an airport bathroom.)
September 1st: Larry Craig, after much pressure from members of his own party, announces he will resign from the Senate. (Because he'd been caught eliciting homosexual blah blah blah blah.)
September 10th: Larry Craig attempts to get his guilty plea (Of eliciting homosexual sex in an airport bathroom) withdrawn.
October 4th: Judge Charles A. Porter denies Larry Craig's motion to withdraw the plea stating that evidence supported his conviction. (*Insert homosexual sex allegation here.*)

Clearly this guy does not know when he's beaten. It's typical of police interrogations. They have all the evidence they need, they have more proof than they know what to do with. All signs point to him, but he still keeps denying everything.

I think people are smart enough to know that this whole story wasn't an attack on Gay Rights or anything of the sort, (Even though Craig continuously admitted he wasn't gay throughout the whole thing.) but on hypocrisy in general. Let's have a look at some pieces of his voting record from OnTheIssues.Org:

- Voted YES on constitutional ban of same-sex marriage. (Jun 2006)
- Voted NO on adding sexual orientation to definition of hate crimes. (Jun 2002)
- Voted NO on expanding hate crimes to include sexual orientation. (Jun 2000)
- Voted YES on prohibiting same-sex marriage. (Sep 1996)
- Voted NO on prohibiting job discrimination by sexual orientation. (Sep 1996)

Yes, this is all well and good, but here's the topper:

- Rated 100% by the Christian Coalition: a pro-family voting record. (Dec 2003)

It's gotten to the point that if you want to tell which Republicans are gay, you just need to look at their voting records. It's always the guy with the "Them queers ain't normal!" attitude, isn't it?

I suppose if one good thing had to come out of it for the country it's this: If Larry Craig knows a goddamn thing, he'll keep his mouth shut for the rest of the time he's in the Senate...Which'll be the most awkward next few months of his life.

How's it feel to be the pariah you made homosexuals out to be now, Mr. Craig? Not too pleasant, is it?

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Worst Person (Male) Of The Year:

Senator Larry Craig of Idaho
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Runners Up:

- "Auteur", Michael Bay
- "Comedian", Rush Limbaugh
- "Abolitionist", Don Imus
- "Samaritan", O.J. Simpson

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(Dis)honorable Mention:

Chuck Norris and his slew of fans:

Okay. It's been 3 years since the first appearance of those moronic bits of internet done-to-death-dreck known as the Chuck Norris jokes first appeared before the billions of bored teenagers surfing the internet....But really now, enough is enough.

STOP IT.

Chuck Norris is NOT god. Why is it that I'm the only one who realizes this? He's not even a half-decent actor, and as far as people who make their living fighting (Be it as boxers or martial artists etc.) go he's pathetic.

Normally I wouldn't be all uppity like this, but a recent Newsweek article has irked me to the core.

Many on the internet are aware of a viral video released wherein Republican Senator Mike Huckabee receives an endorsement from Chuck Norris. (And offered up his plan for protecting our borders: Chuck, himself.) When I first heard about it, I thought: "Oh great. Now these dumb jokes are spreading to our politicians. Isn't that just lovely." 9_9

Then the article was published, showing that because of the video Huckabee had won the lead an Iowa poll, and his website server crashed due to the amount of pageviews.

PLEASE don't tell me that people are going to elect their politicians on the basis of has-been stunt-men and internet memes. If Mike Huckabee (An ultra-conservative Christian politician, despite outward appearances.) ends up winning the Republican nomination and even the ELECTION because of this one goddamn endorsement from a LOWEST-TIER celebrity...3 things will finally be confirmed.

1. Americans have the mental capacities of sponges.
2. Americans NEVER learn from previous mistakes.
3. Whoever controls the memes controls the world.

I hope 4Chan never gets word of this.

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Worst Female(s) Of The Year:

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Same old shit, different year. Paris Hilton went to prison, whined about it, and conveniently gave her life over to Jayzuss. (Joining the ranks of other fine upstanding convert-in-prison individuals as Michael Vick, Jeffrey Dahmer, and Chuck Colson, one of the two Watergate cover-up guys.) Ann Coulter spewed at the mouth a whole lot, and suggested that Jews are only Christians that need "fixing." (Explain to me again why people defend this unbearable hag?) Hillary Clinton continues to make the Democratic Party look foolish by running on a platform of "I Know Bill Clinton." (Most sedentary politician ever. Seriously.) And Phyllis Schlafly sets the feminist movement back a good 500 years or so by stating that: "By getting married, the woman has consented to sex, and I don't think you can call it rape." (A statement made in an obvious attempt to seem like she's still relevant.)

But this year went to...Britney, bitch. (I feel unclean after saying that.)

If you read this blog and you're not sick of Britney even existing in the public mind anymore there's something seriously wrong with you. Whether you liked her or not, though...2007 was her year to go completely apeshit insane. From attacking the media with umbrellas to receiving a hit-and-run misdemeanor charge TWICE and not getting arrested for it, and STILL finding time to release ear-poisoning singles into the airwaves and bring down the aesthetic standards of society as a whole. (In the chorus of that song is she saying "Piece of me" or "Piece of MEAT"?)

Congratulations, Britney. Even after a good 9 years in the business, you're still sucking just a hard as you did back in 98'.

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Worst Person (Female) Of The Year:

"Poet Laureate", Britney Spears
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Runners Up:

- "Pinnacle Of Morality", Paris Hilton
- "Social Activist", Ann Coulter
- "Steadfast Leader", Hillary Clinton
- "Agent Of Change", Phyllis Schlafly

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5 Best Films

1. The Darjeeling Limited
2. Ratatouille
3. Beowulf
4. SiCKO
5. I'm Not There

Honorable Mention:

Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, American Gangster, Sweeney Todd, The Simpsons Movie

5 Worst Films

5. Kickin' In Old Skool
4. Halloween
3. Delta Farce
2. Norbit
1. Epic Movie

Dishonorable Mentions: Stomp The Yard, Daddy Day Camp, Bratz (The Movie)

2007 pretty much confirmed everything I've said about movies since as far back as I can remember.

- Modernizations of movies that are classic to their specific genre will invariably suck, especially if they're directed by Rob Zombie. (Halloween)
- Rednecks should not be in movies. Ever. (Delta Farce)
- Neither should people named DJ be in ANY movies. (Delta Farce)
- Eddie Murphy has not had a meritable career for a LONG long time. (Norbit)
- Jamie Kennedy never had a career in the first place. (Kickin' It Old Skool)
- Movies that are deliberately over-the-top urban are not for human consumption. (Stomp The Yard, Kickin' It Old Skool)
- When the original actor leaves the film, DON'T MAKE A SEQUEL. (Daddy Day Camp)
- Movies based off of slutty action figures tend to suck harder than the action figures themselves. (Bratz: The Movie....P.S.: Double En-Ten-Dre.)

But the epitome of 2007's crappy film lineup likely didn't even realize how badly it sucked. It did succeed however, in being epic...albeit it was epically bad. This movie came from the same people who wrote Scary Movie, and apparently didn't know when to stop, cranking out the vile Date Movie, (Which parodied(?) romantic comedies.) and rounding out this year with Epic Movie. (Which attempted to parody movies like Pirates of The Caribbean, X-Men, The Lion The Witch & The Wardrobe, etc.) It fails miserably in actually parodying them in the first place, cramming too many references into the film at once, making it come off as a bloated, rejected Family Guy episode, and what actually DOES parodied isn't even funny, because it's been done to death FOREVER. (We KNOW Tom Hanks' hair was weird in the Da Vinci Code! We KNOW Willy Wonka was creepy in the 2005 version of the film! Now shut up!)

At the rate the people behind these parody movies are going, expect to see in theaters sometime in the future, their latest effort:

BAD MOVIE.

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5 Best Music Artists/Bands

1. Bruce Springsteen
2. Wilco
3. LCD Soundsystem
4. Radiohead
5. Mark Ronson

Honorable Mentions: They Might Be Giants, Björk, Queens Of The Stone Age, Amy Winehouse, M.I.A.

5 Worst Music Artists/Bands

5. OneRepublic
4. Britney Spears
3. Lily Allen
2. 50 Cent
1. Soulja Boy

(Dis)honorable Mentions: Marilyn Manson, Toby Keith, The Fray

All the people who praised MySpace in its earliest inceptions are probably kicking themselves now, since it was largely MySpace (And much of YouTube) that brought about the massive rise of ringtone rap. Ringtone rap can be defined as music that in a nutshell has no artistic market in any venue aside from Ringtones on cellphones. Artists like Jibbs, Hurricane Chris, Chamillionaire, etc. have massive hits that become staples of cell phones and total irritants to regular people.

Soulja Boy has been the epitome of this industry so far, and pretty much embodies the annoying rapper that you can't escape. As a minor he has a free gimmick, and appears everywhere on YouTube, and inspired moronic dance videos, and you can hear him EVERYWHERE where there's a guy with a car with an ungodly amount of bass in it. If all goes well, by the beginning of next year he will be completely forgotten.

But don't count on it. Not on a soceity that won the Iowa poll for Huckabee on the basis of Chuck Norris.

I should also point out that this year Lily Allen said of Radiohead's revolutionary (At least in industry terms) new album In Rainbows, which lets people decide how much they want to pay for it (I paid 3.14 dollars, personally. Obligatory Pi joke.): "You don’t choose how to pay for eggs. Why should it be different for music?" and referred to Radiohead as "Arrogant."

So because Radiohead cares more about music than about sales they're "Arrogant."

That's why SHE'S on the list. For douchebaggy remarks like that.

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5 Best Songs

1. "Sick Sick Sick" by Queens Of The Stone Age
2. "Radio Nowhere" by Bruce Springsteen
3. "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse
4. "The Mesopotamians" by They Might Be Giants
5. "New York, I Love You" by LCD Soundsystem

Honorable Mentions: "Walken" by Wilco, "Out Of Control" by Kenna, "Earth Intruders" by Björk

5 Worst Songs

5. "Smile" by Lily Allen
4. "Lip Gloss" by Lil Mama
3. "Straight To The Bank" by 50 Cent
2. "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie
1. "Crank That" by Soulja Boy

PS: Once again the Grammies FAIL.

Many of us saw this coming a couple of miles away. It IS pretty foolish to assume that the Grammies could provide a pick of nominees that ISN'T filled with such obvious flaws that it almost makes you wonder why they call it an award, with shared company like that.

But anyhow, here's my take on the noms as with every year.

For Album of The Year, the nominees included "Echoes, Silence, Patience, & Grace" by Foo Fighters, (Probably one of their weakest efforts in recent times.) "Graduation" by Kanye West, (Or as I like to call it: "Stronger" and 48 minutes of filler.) and the only two nominees I wouldn't consider wrong to include on the list: "Back To Black" by Amy Winehouse, (I gladly welcome any mainstream female singer that isn't another Britney knock-off, brought into existence by the Disney channel, a staple on BET, or a teenybopper masquerading as rock music.) and "River: The Joni Letters" by Herbie Hancock. (He already has many grammies already, being one of the only Jazz artists left, but in a pinch I'd sooner give it to Herbie than to Kanye freaking West.)

The one thing on the list that surprised me was the 5th nomination was "These Days" by Vince Gill.

Vince Gill had an album out this year? Hell, I wasn't even aware that he was still MAKING MUSIC anymore.

I guess the only way to have known is if your TV is perpetually turned to CMT 24 hours a day, which is now the only place where Toby Keith has a market.

The Song of The year category is as always: DISMAL. 4 easily forgettable songs, and "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse. The other noms include "Hey There, Delilah" by Plain White T's, (Sung in such an emo manner that practically COMMANDS the listener to kill them, which I wouldn't mind doing if having to listen to the song didn't make me want to kill myself first.) "Like A Star" by Corrine Bailey Rae, (Who for whatever reason still thinks she's relevant somehow.) "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood, (Who despite the laws of physics, being that all artists that come from American Idol do NOT have any artistic merit at all, has been nominated AGAIN.) and "Umbrella" by Rihanna. (Um-BRELL-ah. Not Um-ber-ELL-ah.)

The Best New Artist category is usually a good integer of just how much the grammies know about their nominations. Generally they know next to nil. This year the noms are Paramore, Amy Winehouse, Taylor Swift, Feist, and Ledisi.

Heyyyyy, guess what? Besides Taylor Swift, NONE OF THOSE ARE NEW ARTISTS. Hell, Ledisi had been performing professionally since 1995. That's a 12 year career.

FAIL.

The Wikipedia article on the Grammies claims that this year the people involved in nominations based their picks solely on quality instead of sales.

BULL.

One only needs to look at many of the noms in the Rock category to realize they are lying through their teeth. The Rock Solo vocal performance include a nomination for Lucinda Williams for chrissakes. Has the concept of rock music gotten so completely disjointed by a mainstream of crappy rap music and bubblegum pop that it's gotten to the point that anyone who plays their own instrument is now considered a rock artist?? Lucinda Williams is a COUNTRY SINGER. NOT A ROCK ARTIST. PAY ATTENTION, FOOLS.

Then there's the Rock Performance by Group noms, which is basically a U2 song, a White Stripes song, and 3 nominations filled to the brim with hackiness, which includes, but is not limited to: One of the worst butcherings of a John Lennon song I've ever heard, (Green Day's "Working Class Hero.") the sappiest, limpiest excuse for a rock song since "Living On A Prayer", ("If Everyone Cared" by Nickelback) and a tune from the low-rent version of Shinedown, who are ALREADY a low-rent group. ("It's Not Over" by Daughtry.)

It's gotten to the point that the only glimmer of light in the Rock category anymore is the Instrumental section. (Rush, Joe Satriani, Bruce Springsteen, Metallica, Steve Vai. Nice choices.) It used to be that the Hard Rock and Metal categories offered some solace, but even those have been tampered with, in both the metaphorical sense, (Evanescence is still around? And you're nominating them for HARD ROCK song of the year?!) and strangely enough in the LITERAL sense. (There's been more than one reported attempt in recent times by amateur MySpace bands to write their own groups in to the nomination list on the Wikipedia article on this...Why? Damned if I know.)

The Alternative Music album award always make me both sad and enraged. The R&B and Rap sections both have maybe 8 different awards to give out, half of which could feasibly be combined into ONE award since they're all the exact same category, and the Alternative section STILL only has one award. And the one award they DO get to give out, despite having some great nominees this year (The Shins, Arcade Fire, White Stripes, and Bjork.) will probably only go to the most mainstream of the alternative awards. (Lily Fucking "Radiohead Are Arrogant" Allen.)

A category I'm usually interested in that most aren't is the Best Comedy Album award. This year...I'm really not sure what to think, because nothing's been determined yet. This year they've offered up two great and deserving nominees, (Steven Wright and Harry Shearer) two terribly UNdeserving nominees, (Lisa Lampanelli and George Lopez) and one I couldn't care less about. (Flight of The Conchords)

So as it is, I'm very confused.

I've got more to write, so I'll conclude the article with one more "pearl" of wisdom from the nominations.

Soulja Boy got a nomination AT ALL.

Yes. You can see how the people who nominate these people are so very concerned about QUALITY over SALES.

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5 Best Video Games:

1. The Orange Box (PC/360)
2. Rock Band (360/PS2/PS3)
3. Warioware: Smooth Moves (Wii)
4. Sam & Max: Season One (PC)
5. Super Mario Galaxy (Wii)

Honorable Mentions: Guitar Hero 3 (PS2/PS3/Wii/360/PC?), Super Paper Mario (Wii), Unreal Tournament 3 (PC), BioShock (PC/360), World of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade (PC)

5 Worst Video Games:

5. Avatar: The Burning Earth (Wii)
4. Transformers: The Game (360/PS3/Wii)
3. Mario vs. Sonic at The Olympic Games (Wii)
2. The Sims: Life Stories (PC)
1. Tomb Raider: Anniversary (PS2/360)

Dishonorable Mentions: Halo 3 for sheer hype and dumbing down gaming alone (360), Halo 2 (PC),

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5 Best TV Shows:

1. The Colbert Report
2. Metalocalypse
3. The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
4. Late Night with Conan O'Brien
5. South Park

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5 Worst TV Shows:

5. Superjail
4. The Next Great American Band
3. Fat Guy Stuck In The Internet
2. The White Rapper Show
1. Cavemen

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That's my review of the year. Post your opinions as your lezzure.

TBT's 20 Songs That SHOULD Have Been In Guitar Hero

With the 3rd Guitar Hero having been released, that pretty much spells the end of the franchise...if they're SMART. Many a game's reputation has been befouled because the companies they belong to don't know when to quit. This is largely why I've stopped paying attention to the Mega Man franchise that I have loved almost forever. After Megaman and Bass came out, they stopped paying attention to the original and kept branching off into all these utterly inferior spin-offs like it was the cast of Seinfeld. (Except for X. Megaman X was awesome, but that's also gone down a tired path.)

From the perspective of this audiophile, Guitar Hero 3 is pretty good, but nowhere approaching perfect, at least in terms of song selection. (This is the irritating little quirk that separates me from regular people who play Guitar Hero. Since I have such a picky musical taste I only want to play specific songs. My fingers will never touch the frets when the song is some tripe like Warrant's "Cherry Pie.") They still made some pretty boneheaded choices. ("When You Were Young", "Miss Murder", and "My Name Is Jonas" are extremely tame choices for a game that's supposed to be focused on guitar playing. And speaking of which, why on Earth are there 3 of these already, and NONE of them have any Dire Straits songs?)

To be fair, it may just be that some of the artists in questions refused to license out their songs...but still. If you can't get Tool but you can get the Dead Kennedys in cover form, (Watered down like you wouldn't believe.) I'm not sure what's possible anymore.

I'm sure you may have already seen billions and billions of these hypothetical lists by now, but this one, I assure you, this one is different from all the other ones for one reason alone:

It's mine.

20 Songs That SHOULD Have Been in Guitar Hero 3 (Or A Guitar Hero Game)

20. "So Here We Are" by Bloc Party

While a Bloc Party tune WAS included in the game, the tune they picked was Helicopter. A good tune, but not that good, at least from the perspective of this being a game based on guitar-playing. Pretty simplistic. I would recommend "So Here We Are" instead. It's not much for solos, but think of the constant recurring lick as something of an endurance test. A gauntlet if you will. If you pass through it, then you may finally upgrade to that elusive 5th fret.

19. "The Widow" by The Mars Volta

Admittedly The Mars Volta's proggy art-rock would probably not fit in with Guitar Hero's primary market of yah-dudes and fraternity douchebags who pretty much exclusively play "Freebird", but screw that. There are bigger things at stake, particularly that the guitar parts on this run rings around friggin' "Miss Murder."

Take notes, developers of Rock Band! Maybe you can release these as a downloadable pack!

18. "A Girl Named Tex" by Trocadero

An out of left field choice, I will admit. Trocadero are essentially at this point, Rooster Teeth Studios' (The makers of Red Vs. Blue, and The Strangerhood) house band, having done the music for just about all their endeavors. I think this would be an excellent choice, since too many of the picks in Guitar Hero have been a tad too obvious. What better way to break that pattern than to pick a song from a band that's for the larger part, famous over the internet?

17. "People Who Died" by Jim Carroll Band

I would have thought that at least ONE of the incarnations of Guitar Hero would have this song in it. It's a staple of classic rock radio stations, and fits well among the other more simplistic songs that Guitar Hero has used. (They have TWO ZZ-Top songs in its entire game-ography. You only need ONE ZZ-Top song for anything, because they all sound exactly alike.) Apparently not. Get to work on that.

16. "Shake Hands With Beef" by Primus

I have to give credit for Guitar Hero for putting "John The Fisherman" in number two. It's an excellent song, and damn fine band made it. My only beef is that it wasn't terribly interesting bass-wise. If you've ever listened to Primus you would know they have a completely virtuoso bassist, Les Claypool. So this song is really more of a boon to anyone playing two player who got stuck playing the bass part of the song. Why bother to have it in the game if you don't include any good bass songs?

I realize that good bass songs are hard to come by, but come on. Put SOME effort into it.

15. "Riot" by Dead Kennedys

I should be happy that 2 Dead Kennedys songs are in Guitar Hero games, but I'm not. Mostly because it's lame, watered down, censored cover versions, but also because they choices they picked were pretty obvious (Two of their only mainstream hits) and lacking on the level of interesting guitar sections. I propose this 6:00 punk epic instead. (I mean an ACTUAL punk epic. "Jesus Of Suburbia" is not a punk epic. It's just long and lame.)

Speaking of epic...

14. "Epic" by Faith No More

Yet another tune I thought would have been obvious. It's wicked popular, and has a pretty great guitar solo in it. Oh well. Guitar Hero faltered on it, and now Rock Band beat them to the punch, and they're putting it in their game. I guess all you guys have now is this hypothetical situation.

13. "Juicebox" by The Strokes

As far as The Strokes songs go, Guitar Hero picked a fairly uninteresting one to put in their game. ("Reptilia" from Room On Fire, probably the more forgettable of The Strokes' discography.) I propose this song instead, which is one of the only ones where the Strokes actually sound like they're pissed off. With a powerfully chunky bassline for the 2nd player to follow, and an awesome spy thriller-esque leading riff, you can't go wrong with it.

12. "Metal By Numbers" by Brian Posehn

If they're willing to include "The Metal" by Tenacious D, and "Trogdor" by Strong Bad, and "Thunderhorse" by Dethklok (All joke bands) in the game, then there is no discernible reason whatsoever not to include this hilarious send-up to crappy metal bands by comedian Brian Posehn. Just listen. Don't ask.

11. "The Emerald Law" by Probot

One of the best tracks on Dave Grohl's metal send-up project, Probot. (This track in particular features Scott "Wino" Weinrich, singer of the influential metal band The Obsessed.) Just about every track on Probot would be deserving of a spot in Guitar Hero, but I had to pick one, so it's this one, where the guitars have never been heavier, or the drumming more powerful.

10. "Secret Touch" by Rush

Rush's best song, "Tom Sawyer" is already being included in Rock Band, so that's out of the question, and Guitar Hero's previous Rush pick, "YYZ" is a pretty lame choice. (Why pick a Rush song with no vocals? I want my Geddy Lee!) This is really more of a personal choice than anything else. People will probably argue that there are way better Rush songs than this, but my only argument is that this is my next favorite after Tom Sawyer.

...So there?

9. "Helter Skelter" by The Beatles

When this song was recorded, noone thought the Beatles could still make hard rocking songs. How wrong they were proven by this one. It's an ass-kicker, so put it in. How hard can it be to get a license to anyway? Julie Taymor got it and used it to make a crappy musical movie (Across The Universe) so why can't Guitar Hero put it in a game?

8. "Blood & Thunder" by Mastodon

Critics have lauded this band ever since they moved into the mainstream with their album "Leviathan." (For good reason. They're one of the few metal bands that still can rock.) So isn't about time they got into the game? If they're good enough to appear on the Aqua Teen Hunger Force Soundtrack ("Cut You With A Linoleum Knife" deserved a Grammy nomination AT LEAST.) then they're good enough to be in Guitar Hero.

7. "Sultans Of Swing" by Dire Straits

As I was saying earlier. 3 games and no Dire Straits songs?! Ask anyone with a powerful knowledge of the history of rock and roll. I guarantee they will agree that this song has one of the best guitar solos of all time in it. You can't argue that! And yet somehow "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" by Pat goddamn Benatar is more deserving to be in a game than this?

6. "Hallowed Be Thy Name" by Iron Maiden or covered by Cradle of Filth

Iron Maiden has been well represented in Guitar Hero, I'll give them that...but somehow I just don't think it'll be complete until they put this song in the game, as it's one of the metal group's most epic and operatic of tunes. While I don't have the original tune on hand to give you, I do have this equally awesome cover of the song by death metal group Cradle of Filth.

I would be willing to accept either.

5. "Father O'Blivion" by Frank Zappa

This is probably the biggest shot in the dark in my entire hypothetical list. I'm pretty sure if Frank were still alive today he wouldn't even consider letting anyone even cover the song for a video game. So much for that. But whatever you think, you can't deny that this would be a pretty bitchin' addition to the game, for the guitars alone.

4. "Bouff" by Machinae Supremacy

See my previous answer with Trocadero. What better way to spread the palette a little than by adding an internet band to the mix? And what's more an industrial band as well? (A genre that is woefully un-represented in the games.)

3. "Paranoid Android" by Radiohead

I know. I'm a big fan of Radiohead, and this is CLEARLY just another one of my attempts to inject them into the mainstream again. No it's not. Listen to the guitarwork. It run rings for sheer complexity and detail around any one of the KISS songs that you'd find in any of the other Guitar Hero games.

To paraphrase James Carville: "It's the solos, stupid."

2. "Fury" by Prince

Prince is another artist with awesome guitar songs that has been overlooked in favor of 80s hair metal shlock and safe mainstream crap. This is probably one of his most rocking tunes yet. The mp3 you're listening to however, is a live version recorded from when he performed it on SNL, because the album version is pretty tame by comparison. I think that in my hypothetic scenario Prince should re-record it to better match the shredding of the live version. (Living Colour did it with "Cult of Personality" and it still kicks ass.)

1. "Parabola" by Tool

It's always Prog-Rock songs that always have awesome guitar parts in them, and this song isn't any different. Any self-respecting Metal enthusiast probably has been gunning for a Tool song to be in Guitar Hero ever since the concept of the game it came about. Maynard James Keenan however, is very picky about lending out Tool's music to any medium, be it movies, video games, etc. So that's really something of a pipe dream at this point. But since this is entirely a hypothetical scenario, go nuts.

While I'm only including the part where it starts to get heavy for download, the game would have the ENTIRE song playable.

That's right. All 9:09 minutes of it.

The Inexplicable Timeline Of My iPod

Before the new semester of college started I bought an 80 Gig iPod to keep all of my music on. Previously I had been carrying it around in bulky CD folders, so not having to lug those around was good, in spite of the $335 price tag on the iPod.

In more recent times some very strange things have been occurring surrounding my iPod, that I simply can't begin to comprehend. It all started two weeks ago. I had gotten together with a group to film a short film for a film festival that was happening here at FSC. (Fitchburg State College.) I'd taken the iPod with me for when there were lulls in activity, leaving it in a largely obscured pocket on my coat.

After the filming we returned to our respective dormitories, and I took the free opportunity to throw my clothing in the laundry. I also threw my coat in since I'd gotten fake blood all over it from the shooting.

I had forgotten to take my iPod out.

...Some of you may be able to predict what's about to happen next.

I hadn't realized what I did until after the laundry came out of the dryer. My iPod was still in the pocket, and had endured a trip through the washer and dryer, and I was horrified, because if it didn't work that was all my music files and $335 down the drain.

When I took it out and plugged it back into my laptop it was unresponsive for a few minutes, until I restarted it...and it seemed to work just fine. I would attribute its not breaking due to my coat being extremely thick and heavy.

Later I'd learn that something had happened that screwed up one of the batteries in the iPod, and for the longest time my iPod could only run at half its normal power....which I was able to overlook fairly easily, since I didn't have anything to do with it that would require it to be unplugged.

Cut to yesterday.

I'd finished up a radio show I was doing for my campus radio station, with my laptop with iPod connected to it. It had been plugged in for about 5 hours or so. When I unplugged it, the power meter read that it was at full power. As though the other battery had repaired itself and was working again.

I still have no explanation for this.

I gotta hand it to Apple. They may screw up a lot in the home computer department (See my previous "Apple Thoughts" posts from November 2006.) but they know what they're doing in the mp3 player market.

Oh, by the way: If you're interested in seeing the film we worked on, here's a link to it on YouTube:

Ashemodea

I portray a sadistic vampire with hair over his face, and I scored the film too. Give it a view if you have a spare moment.

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5 Songs Of The Moment:

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1. "Punkrocker" by Teddybears feat. Iggy Pop
2. "Let's Duet" by Dewey Cox & Darlene
3. "All Caps" by Madvillain
4. "God Put A Smile On Your Face" by Mark Ronson feat. the Daptone Horns
5. "Combustible" by Rustic Overtones

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Requirements Of Atheism (As Written By A Douchebag)

Fundies Say The Darndest Things, for those of you who are unfamiliar with it, is a tireless source amusement to right-thinking individuals the world over. It is a website that regularly compiles ridiculous comments made by Fundamentalists (Of all religions, but mostly Christian.) on random forums and websites. The quotes can range from the outlandishly hilarious, ("If evolution is true then how come babies aren't born monkeys and we can't speak monkey?!") to the insulting, ("Judaism is a lie of the Devil, because it denies that Jesus is the Christ.") to the just downright moronic. ("Look it up in a dictionary: Atheism = Communism.") A lot of Fundies (The term used.) generally mucking about on the net posting whatever comes to their mind. (If Al Gore had foreseen this he probably wouldn't have "Invented" the internet....Fark.com too.)

(The preceding were actual excerpts of comments made by Fundies on FSTDT, albeit paraphrased and shortened by me...because these guys apparently HATE conciseness.)

Normally when I see a quote I just make some smartassed remark and move on, but one comment touched a nerve in me, which encouraged me to follow the original site of origin to this site here.

Requirements For Atheism.

The title is rather telling of the site as a whole, isn't it? Of course within there was a list of aforementioned "requirements" to be an Atheist. (Written by a Christian Fundie.) I guess it was some sort of sad pathetic attempt at satire on his part which I could have laughed off without worry, but now since it refuses to leave my head, I feel compelled to respond to the list and mock it thusly, as any Atheist wiseguy such as I would.


....So I'm gonna.

Here it is, the list of Requirements to be an Atheist:

1. If you are an atheist, you should not acknowledge the year. 2007 years since what? The birth of Jesus of course. You should consider the year something like 2,478,256,972, to acknowledge when the rock (or other unknown, unspecified inanimate matter) gave birth to the paramecium (or other unknown, unspecified single-celled organism) in the magic soup that nobody can prove existed.

Sorry, but no dice, Fundie. If your Baptist Bible-humping cohorts are going to call Catholicism a false form of Christianity, among other vile things, you don't get to call dibs on the Gregorian Calendar. (Named for Pope Gregory XII.)

It's a very douchebaggy statement on your part anyhow, to expect ANYONE to be able to keep track of all those years. But it's nice to hear that you DO admit that the Earth began more than just 10,000 years ago like all the rest of those Young Earth Creationist tools. *Smarmy grin.*

2) If you are an atheist, you should not celebrate New Year’s Eve. Again, it is an acknowledgment of the length of time that has passed since the birth of Jesus.

Again, no Gregorian Calendar for you. I don't care if you worship the same deity, it's their damn calendar.

Incidentally, upon looking at the Wikipedia article for New Year's Eve...the word Jesus isn't even ON it. (I'm pretty sure he meant New Year's Day, but I'm still going to mock him for it. I'm surprised he remembered to leave his Caps Lock off for much of this list.)

3) If you are an atheist, you should not use the word “love.” Since God is love, you should not use this term to describe how you feel about people or pets, since you do not believe it exists. Use a term like “have positive chemical reactions when near,” or other atheism-compliant descriptive terms.

And a hearty "Fuck You" to you too. I did not date a Catholic for more than a year for you to say it was all completely fake on my part. Fuck You and the horse you rode in on.

As a bonus, I've looked up the definition of love on Dictionary.com. This is the first definition queued up:

"A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person."

Here's the first one that made any mention of god in it:

"The benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God."

D'you know where on the list of definitions that was?

Number Twelve.

Which is not to say anything in particular, of course...If you Fundies are fine with strictly using the 12th definition of love instead the 1st...

4) If you are an atheist, you should not get married. Since marriage is a religious term describing the spiritual union between a man and a woman that love each-other, you should avoid this. Plus, it has to do with that “L” word.

Pagans were married in ancient times, stupid.

5) If you are an atheist, you should not acknowledge the days of the week. The number of days of the week are based on the seven days God used to make the Universe. You, as an evangelical Darwinist, believe the Universe created itself for no reason out of nothing.

Gregorian Calendar again, stupid.

6) If you are an evolutionist atheist, owning pets is a form of slavery. You believe that descendants of those “pets” you own will be people someday. How long will it be before you draw the line between owning pets and enslaving your peers? Those pets’ descendants deserve better than to have you degrading the integrity of their lineage.

Well if you wanna use THAT kind of horribly flawed logic, then Christians were responsible for exactly the same crimes, and Catholics, and Jews, and just about ANY group of people who used horses, mules, and oxen as work creatures. (We are gonna end your evil someday, Amish people.)

But I guess we really have you Christians to thank for the concept of slavery as a whole...y'know, if everything began with the Bible, that is:

However, you may purchase male or female slaves from among the foreigners who live among you. You may also purchase the children of such resident foreigners, including those who have been born in your land. You may treat them as your property, passing them on to your children as a permanent inheritance. You may treat your slaves like this, but the people of Israel, your relatives, must never be treated this way. (Leviticus 25:44-46 NLT)

Hell, a lot of Fundies don't even treat the people of Israel with respect either.

7) If you are an evolutionist atheist, eating anything that was living is a form of cannibalism. You believe that descendants of animals and even plants could be people someday. To avoid becoming a cannibal, you should adhere to a strict diet of milk and cheese, and make sure there are no signs of living organisms in either. Hmm... On second thought... atheists shouldn’t think cannibalism is wrong, because to them, right and wrong don’t exist.

Thank you for dropping the previous point. I was afraid I'd actually have to come up with a rational argument for something so mind-bogglingly asinine and uninformed about evolution.

But anyhow: No. Sometimes Fundies make what resembles points regarding some things, but you don't get any benefit of doubt on the right & wrong thing, since you pretty much too the easy way out and just took them all from a book. Right & wrong is something that should be taught, which is unfortunately the problem in a lot of cases...because sometimes people have parents that are fundie wack-jobs.

Lemme rephrase that: Right & wrong should be LEARNED.

Side note: Society accepts and embraces eating meat, so can somebody tell us why so many atheists are vegetarians because they think eating meat is wrong? What makes it wrong?

Because you're jumping to conclusions. It's true that some vegetarians are Atheists, and so are Christians, and Muslims, and Buddhists, and ANYONE, stupid. I'm an Atheist and there's nothing I love more than a big hearty burger. Dreamer is a Catholic and the last I checked she's a vegetarian.

Some Christian Vegetarians also included Albert Schweitzer, Leo Tolstoy, and Stephen H. Webb, and Saint David.

GOT ALL THAT?

8) If you are an evolutionist, you must be wary of the apes taking over. You believe that it’s not a questions of “if” all the apes, chimps and monkeys will morph into walking, talking ape-men, it’s just a question of “when.” It’s the cornerstone of your religion....Be on the lookout. Oh...and bad news... dolphins are even smarter than monkeys. How long until they become intelligent enough to build an underwater assault against humanity?

Lay off the science fiction movies.

Seriously, you sound like a moron.

9) If you are an evolutionist, don’t admit that you actually have no idea how your theory (belief) works. You have no idea what “primordial soup” is, you have no idea how a single celled organism could become a multi-celled organism, and you have no idea how a lizard could possibly morph into a mammal like evolutionists believe. Don’t feel bad though, nobody else knows those things either. But don’t tell anyone! Instead, pretend that lots of other people understand it, and mock people who question you! If anyone finds out, they might not consider Darwinism to be anything more than belief. We wouldn’t want that now, would we...?

Y'know what? He's got me there. I don't know how life works.

But you know what? I don't care, and I don't give a shit.

Why the hell is it so important to know how life began in the first place? I realize it's important to know on a historical level, but it shouldn't shape one's life.

I mean we're HERE...isn't that enough? Isn't it enough to live your life and ENJOY IT?

I certainly wouldn't be able to live my life if I really believed that there was an omnipotent god-like deity always staring over my shoulder.

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New Top-List next post.

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Currently Listening To:

1. "Arpeggi" by Radiohead
2. "Tragic Love" by Devil Music Ensemble
3. "Helter Skelter" by The Beatles
4. "Let Go" by Frou Frou
5. "Chariots Of Fire" by Vangelis

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TBT's 20 Genuinely Sad Songs

Combining my love of Top Ten Lists and topics about music, this is type of post that I expect I'll be doing more of, Top 20 Lists surrounding music. These were inspired (Hell, let's admit: Damn near COPIED) after these types of lists that you'd normally find on websites like Blender, Spin, or Pitchfork Media. (Although Blender and Spin's lists would tend to be less pompous and have less warrantless Morrissey praise.)

Maybe I've just been watching far too much High Fidelity.

Also I've been hoping to make my blog more music-oriented in recent times, because as I said: I love to talk about music. As much as I'd like to keep making snarky commentary, lately I can't think of anything to say anymore...So I'm going with this format for a bit. So here it is, TBT's first TBT's 20 list.

After reading this post your own list. I wanna hear it...also maybe post a request for another list later. I hope to add more different topics with every post...and feel free to reap the benefits of the free mp3s I'm posting. I paid for (Most of) them, so you get to take advantage of it.

TBT's 20 Genuinely Sad Songs

The last things you want to hear when heavy things are going on in your life. Not like a silly power ballad where the sadness of the song is completely overshadowed by the lead singer's big goddamn codpiece....songs that will genuinely bring tears to your eyes under the right circumstances.
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20. "The Quiet Things That Noone Ever Knows" by Brand New

I know it seems rather silly to include a decidedly emo group as the first choice on this list, but hear me out. Brand New have made considerable efforts to avoid tired emo cliches and stereotypes, and have grown considerably over the years. This song from their 2nd album, Deja Entendu could be their swan song, a song about a car crash that leaves the protagonist dead and a ghost, now left to watch over the remaining survivor, is sung with simplicity, and a ferociously screamed chorus sung so emotionally you'd swear you were right there with him.

19. "Charity" by Skunk Anansie

Songs about betrayal from the women's perspective don't usually tend to rock this violently, but in between the horns-throwingly jagged riffs and power chords, and screeches about how the man in question deserves to die for what he did to me (The singer) a quiet chorus from singer Skin quavers: "But I don't want your Charity..." as though she knows she's hurting badly, but refuses to admit it.

It's akin to watching a handicapped child try to walk across the room after somebody stole one of his crutches...Damn near painful, and you feel it.

18. “Love Vigilantes” by New Order

One can look at this song in two ways. In a literal sense, about a soldier who finally gets to go home to his family, and upon flying back to his country finds that his wife has been misinformed, and was reported dead in action, or in a much more dour sense…The soldier didn’t fly across in a plane, and the wife doesn’t even know he’s there…And his memory is all that remains.

Either way it’s a tragic picture painted.

17. “Soldier Side” by System Of A Down

The larger part of Mezmerize/Hypnotize, SOAD’s latest albums, were based around singer/guitarist Daron Malakian’s experiences with the Iraq War. He had family in the area and they knew too well the soldier’s (American AND Iraqi) mindset when essentially staring death in the face. This song brings to a climactic end the double album with a recollection of militia leaving to fight. And with a scream of “They were crying when their sons left / God is wearing black / They’ve gone so far to find no hope / They’re never coming back!” their pain, their fear, is known.

16. “Us” by Regina Spektor

Spektor, like a giddy schoolgirl pining for someone who doesn’t even know her, imagines an eternal future for her and an unnamed person where monuments are built to them, and eventually crumble away in time. Not so much a SAD song in a general sense, but Spektor’s piano chords in conjunction with a full string orchestra in the background brings the tears.

15. “They’ll Need A Crane” by They Might Be Giants

Few songs about a marriage falling apart and leaving a home in shambles are as upbeat and catchy as this tune. Somehow the two Johns manage to mask a horribly depressing subject behind a peppy rock beat, and cutesy, albeit dark lyrics. It’s the breakdown where the listener really understands what’s going on between the couple in question. “Don’t call me at work again, oh no, the boss still hates me, I’m just tired, and I don’t love you anymore, and there’s a restaurant we should check out, where the other nightmare people like to go- I mean nice people! Baby, wait! I didn’t mean to say nightmare!”

14. “Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad?” by Moby

It’s probably folly to include this song since there are barely any lyrics in it to speak of, but if you’ve heard it then you know it works. Clanging pianos, and a sinuous symphony of strings come together with a breakbeat set against old time blues lyrics to create an eerily beautiful, and stunningly saddening tune.

13. “Superman’s Song” by Crash Test Dummies

As with #18, this song can be looked either on a literal level (Superheroes mourn the death of Superman, with strange comparisons to Tarzan.) or on a different level. If looked at differently it could be argued that Superman is a metaphor for the general death of good in the world, and Brad Roberts baritone voice is mourning for the fall-from-grace of the world instead of for a superhero.

But upon listening to this song I really won’t need to argue a point much.

12. “Tonight” by TV On The Radio

Singer Tunde Adepimbe reflects on the concept of mortality while referring to a nameless, but apparently unforgiving woman who refuses to remember the times they shared, while all around him the band reflects the sound of a man’s slow mental decay with clattering percussion and silent siren-like hums. It chills you to the core, but through all the haunting sounds…there’s reserved sympathy.

11. “Teardrop” by Massive Attack

More people know this tune as the theme song to House than anything else, which would be perfectly fine if it weren’t an instrumental version of the tune. Because of this, a lot is taken away from the original song, especially Elizabeth Frazer’s siren-like vocals of confused emotions and regret. All this while piano chords echo like thunder in the distance, and electronic raindrops continue to fall.

10. “No Surprises” by Radiohead

A silent, but discouraged protagonist, a job that’s slowly tearing him to pieces, and a world that seems set out to cannibalize him. These are the images that this song ingrains into your head upon listening to it. A toy piano adds a haunting quality to it giving off the impression that it’s so sad that laughing at it is the only way to keep sane towards it, and a dark string section sets a tone of no escape whatsoever.

9. "Let The Heartaches Begin" by Long John Baldry

Baldry, an influential blues musician (Who once talked Elton John out of suicide) now best known as the voice of Robotnik in the 90s Sonic The Hedgehog cartoon series initially didn't want to do this song, which I probably would have agreed with if I was alive during the time this was recorded. A blues singer singing a ballad-y type piece doesn't quite fit. But looking back now, I'm glad he did, since unlike other singers at the time he managed to make the emotions work in his favor, in a quavering, but booming voice that remains unsurpassed to this day.

8. “Goodbye Blue Sky” by Pink Floyd

Arguably the mood is captured better in the animated sequence set to this song from the movie version of The Wall, but the mood is captured just as well in any audio version. A protagonist mourns his tattered childhood upon discovering his father’s death during World War Two. As Roger Waters and David Gilmour reflect upon the “frightened ones” and “falling bombs” a foreboding keyboard synth plays in the background, as it to foreshadow later events…

7. “Eli, The Barrow-Boy” by The Decemberists

The Decemberists have always been masters of storytelling, as singer Colin Meloy’s English degree can attest. This quiet number from their breakthrough Picaresque is among the finest on the album. A laborer loses his love and so he drowns himself, with his ghost haunting the village to this day. A tad pretentious sounding to be sure, but listen to it and you’ll be singing a different tune.

6. “Space Oddity” by David Bowie

Without internalizing this glammed out ballad about space exploration, this seems like a pretty innocent song in and of itself…But anyone with a strong enough knowledge of classic rock remembers the iconic climax: “Ground control to Major Tom / Your circuit’s dead! There’s something wrong! / Can you hear me, Major Tom?! / Can you hear me, Major Tom?!”

And so Major Tom floats off into nothingness, leaving behind as his final message to humanity: “Tell my wife I love her very much…”


5. “Keep Me In Your Heart” by Warren Zevon

This song was recorded during Zevon’s final days. Just a few weeks after releasing the album, Warren finally succumbed to the cancer he’d been fighting for years, leaving behind a legacy of fine folk songs, including this sad minimalist piece, featuring only a guitar and a very low volume drum machine. The last song on his final album, The Wind, it’s almost as though he’s saying “Goodbye, forever” and then you remember…he did.

4. “At Seventeen” by Janis Ian

A folk classic, that retains its tear-jerker mood even today. There has yet to be a song that truly depicts living through the hell that is high school as a teenager that truly captures the emotion as well as the mental alienation present. Ian is only accompanied by her guitar, and with a quavering whisper everyone’s head nods.

3. “It’s A Dream” by Neil Young

In which the iconic Canadian folkie, faced with his own mortality, looks back on the finer times in one’s (Possibly his) life, and how the cruel winds of progress have all but left his town and it’s denizens “Just a memory / Without anywhere to stay” With every piano chord feeling like a slowly fading heartbeat.

2. “Eleanor Rigby” by The Beatles

Some songs thrive on simplicity. This is one such song. Nothing but Paul McCartney’s simple vocals about darker moments in the life of the eponymous female protagonist slowly stepping into the grave, while a small string ensemble continues to hit with staccato chords. A standard classic, and an all-around gorgeous song.

1. “Hurt” by Johnny Cash

Everyone knows this is a powerful song, even Trent Reznor the original artist behind the tune submitted that Cash took the song from him. There’s no denying this, Cash’s final swan song, with his still resonant vocals having taken a toll from old age against a single guitar…until a dark piano joins in, followed by a pile-up of stringed instruments until finally…nothing.